Update 7.10

Hi!

How I wish you all could have been here with me a few moments ago. I sat on my bed and shredded my two chemo shirts!! With a little help from some scissors I used my hands to rip them apart and made sure no one could ever wear those shirts again. This long-awaited event (I have been getting nauseous for months just looking at those shirts in my closet) occurred because I got my port out yesterday. The scans and bloodwork have been good so far so my doctor said he could take it out. I am sore today and will be for a while but I'm thrilled!! Kent's (my doctor) scans have been good so far too. I also got permission to dye my hair all one color again, which I did on Tuesday, and it hasn't fallen out! I still see gradual improvement in how I feel which is always nice to be able to do a little something this month that I couldn't do last month.

While my heart is mainly rejoicing today I must admit it's been a bittersweet week for me. Every time I get bloodwork or a scan done, I'm reminded that the news might not be good, and I dread walking in the doctor's office door every 3 months for a check-up. The side effects from the chemo are ever present and probably will be for 9 more months. My right hand has been tingling and numb with not even a second's break since early May. My left hand and feet are tingling a good bit as well which makes exercise hard. I wake up almost every morning with both hands hurting and it's difficult to walk right when I wake up. My abdomen is still sore when I touch it as is my right thigh and the fatigue is still a constant reminder I cannot do nearly all the things I'd like. Plus this week I went to a funeral for a woman I met in chemo. She left four children under 20, and I know her sister. In remembering her, one of the family members said, "I hope it's ok to say this in a church but I hate cancer." I almost stood up and said Amen. As I went to get bloodwork this week, I sat there so sad looking at the folks around me because I know how bad they feel.

Therefore as I write and throw away my chemo shirts, it is with a torn heart. Praising God for my good news and hurting with those who are hurting. Looking forward to the day that Jesus comes back and all His children throw away their chemo shirts for good. So long purple and black chemo shirts; I pray I never need anything like you ever again!!

Love,
Kathy

Update 5.27

Hi!

I noticed that it's been almost a month since I've emailed so I wanted to send a quick update.

There have been no major treatments, tests, or scans within the past month. Yipee! My next appointment is late in June. Needless to say, I am not missing having to make frequent trips to the doctor's office. :) Overall I am seeing gradual improvement for which I am really thankful. While there is part of me that gets frustrated that I can't do everything I'd like, there is a huge part of my that remembers where I was and am grateful for all the improvement so far.

One specific prayer request is for my hands and feet. A couple weeks ago I noticed my hands falling asleep a couple times a day. I ignored it for while until it became more frequent so I called the doctor. The nurse reminded me to look back at the chemo side effect sheet and sure enough numbness/tingling in fingers and toes was there. Today my right hand was tingling probably 50% of the day and it was the first day the tingling/numbness kept me from doing some things I wanted to do. According to the nurse the numbness/tingling will pass (as will all the chemo side effects) within 6-12 months of the end of chemo but I'd love prayers that it'd pass sooner than that.

Thanks again for all the prayers and encouragement. You'll are the best!

Love,
Kathy

Good News!

Hi!

Good news!! Both of my genetic tests were negative! Praise God!

The doctor's office called yesterday about 2 and said the results were in but I had to come in to get them. I asked when their next appointment was and they said Tuesday at 3:30. Not wanting to wait that long I said "what about today" so they let me come in at 4. It was a long two hours for me as I knew the implications of a "yes" were significant for me (an 85% chance of another type of cancer at some point in my life) and my family (genetic tests for them and potentially the same high risk of cancer). And after 4.5 years of being sick and seemingly "everything" going wrong plus the fact that my insurance company didn't even argue with me over paying for the tests (meaning, they thought the chances I had a genetic link were so high they just shelled out $6500) I walked in with a pretty sober expectation.

When she told me the good news, 95% of my response was shock (still kinda am in shock) but it was the other 5% that surprised me. It wasn't gratefulness or "yay, something in my life finally went right" or relief or joy (though all of those were to come). It was an overwhelming sense of God's mercy. Even with all that's gone wrong during the past 4.5 years with my health, I was keenly aware that I didn't deserve a "negative" to my genetic tests results any more than anyone else and I marveled that God would be so merciful to me. So today I am grateful for God's mercy and grateful to all of you for praying...He answered! I'll keep you posted on my continued recovery.

Love,
Kathy

Update 4.29

Hello!

I know it's been a while since I've passed along an update so I wanted to send one briefly.

Yesterday I had a scan which is supposed to be used as a baseline. Meaning, if the bloodwork I have over the years ever shows a spike, they'd do a scan and compare it to the one I had yesterday. I was admittedly a little nervous, as the past few months tests kept showing showing things no one expected to see (i.e., more cancer). So I was thrilled to get the results that everything is totally normal. Praise God!

Unfortunately my body did not take kindly to the meds I had to drink before the test and yesterday afternoon/evening was incredibly rough...chills, temperature, vomiting,etc. The nurse I spoke to said she's not sure why they made me drink so much of the medicine (4 bottles) as the the most she's every heard anyone having to drink is 2.5. Needless to say my body freaked out. I'm getting ready to try food again in a few minutes so I hope it stays with me.

I am still waiting to get the genetic test results, which is of course a big deal. As I am still thrilled chemo is done, I'm not ready to say that my body has rebounded significantly yet. I usually have a part during the day that I feel somewhat ok and a part during the day that I feel yucky. I will only commit to two things/day which is often the max I can do, and occasionally I can't make it to two. The recovery process will be slow but I refuse to complain about any week that is not a chemo week.

Thanks for your continued prayers for my recovery. And of course I'd appreciate continued prayers that the genetic test results are negative. Off to try some food. Hopefully it'll go well! :)

Kathy

Update 4.12

Hi!

It's been a couple weeks since I've updated you so decided I wanted to write briefly.

As expected the chemo 2 weeks ago completely knocked me out. It took a long, long time to bounce back even a little so I couldn't have the second chemo. Therefore, I have (hopefully!!) had my last chemo. Woohoo!! I went in today for bloodwork to get clearance to be out and around in the world again and around germs. Thankfully I for the most part fall in the normal range and therefore I was just cleared by my nurse to do something very important: get a manicure and pedicure!!! I can't wait!!

So what does it look like from here?
1. Next week I get a scan which will serve as a baseline for future testing. I will get bloodwork done every 3 months and if an issue surfaces in the bloodwork they will do a scan to compare it to the one I get next week to see if anything shows up.
2. It has been three weeks since my blood was taken for the genetic testing. Good news is that my insurance has agreed to help pay for part of it. Bad news is that I qualify to have it paid for which means there's enough history in my family that they think I might have a genetic cause to these cancers. The result of these tests have a HUGE impact on my future and are very daunting to me. Should hear back in the next week or two.
3. Slow recovery. Every day is different. I will have pain in my abdomen and leg for 3 more months and fatigue is a huge issue. It is difficult for me to do anything before noon. And afternoons/evenings vary. Yesterday was (for me) pretty decent. Today however even the thought of moving from the couch causes my body to hurt.

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I'll keep you updated, especially on the scan and genetic testing. Additionally today I am mindful of a few friends I've met at chemo who I saw today at bloodwork. Three specifically that I've seen multiple times. Charlie is an older gentlemen who had to go to the hospital this week because his body was having a rough time. He and his daughter have crossed my path multiple times and he has a great smile. Ryan is a young guy in his second round of chemo. Though initially he was given a 90% chance of a cure, his first round of chemo failed and unfortunately he fell into 10% that didn't get the cure the first time around. Today I got to meet his wife as they headed in for chemo; I sympathize with how terrible this week will be for him and really want this second time to be the cure for him. Sue, a friend of Molly's, has also been in the chemo room with me; her husband has bought lunch for Molly and I more than once. I tear up as I feel so empathetic toward them and pray for their comfort and cure. While I'm hoping to never enter that chemo room again, my heart is with my friends who are there today and I'd love for you to pray for them too.

Love,
Kathy

Easter

Been a rough week here with chemo. Still hurting and haven't turned the corner yet. Glad it was the last chemo. A couple months ago I was asked to write a "what Easter means to me in this season of life" article for our church magazine. Thought I'd share it with you...


Cancer. Not a word any of us are interested in hearing. And certainly not a word I wanted or expected to hear after surgery a few months ago. That word started a journey into two more surgeries, two separate cancer diagnoses, the beginning of a chemotherapy more wretched than I can describe, and an end to some long-time dreams.

Yet when asked to write about what Easter means to me in this season in my life, I paused. Because in the deepest sense, even with my deplorable year so far, it means exactly the same thing to me this year as it did last year. The cross and resurrection of Jesus Christ are not just some long ago event that gave me a “get out of hell free card” that I packed away and plan to use someday. It’s what gave me Jesus, my favorite Person I’ve ever met. Easter is the place where Jesus purchased for me every amount of love and security I’ll ever need. It’s the place I turn for forgiveness and perspective when I daily run away to other places to look for the love and security I already have. It’s the place that lifted the weight of sin, fear, and despair from my shoulders and gave me instead freedom and peace. It’s the hope I have in death and the reason I want to know and serve Him. Easter is no different for me this year than last; it was and still is everything to me.

Admittedly though, experiences like cancer put us in a unique position to see things about Jesus that we might have missed otherwise. And that has been the case for me. It’s a position of suffering I wouldn’t have chosen and I pray ends soon. But it’s let me see Him a little more clearly and experience a tad more fully that which used to be just truths I’d read. For example…

I cannot believe Jesus stayed on the cross. I guarantee you I wouldn’t have. Only 24 hours into my first chemo as I lay in my bed in tears and “I feel like I’m dying” type of pain, all I wanted was out. And if given any option out I would’ve taken it. Jesus endured for hours, not just a physical pain more intense than mine, but the pain of the wrath of God. And He did not take the option of getting down from the cross. He didn’t bail on God’s glory or His followers. My heart almost stops as it considers the magnitude of His endurance in a new way. And it makes me wonder why I ever worry. If He didn’t bail on me then, there’s no way He’s bailing on me now… or ever.

I cannot fathom the power of the resurrection, the death it conquered, and the life it brought. I tear up as I call to mind the chemo room. Though the nurses are as kind and encouraging as you will find anywhere and admittedly some patients will be cured, nothing can hide all the death that room sees. Death of healthy white blood cells along with the cancer cells. Death of dreams. Death of physical comfort. Fear of losing ones you love. Tears of hopelessness as death nears. From the family member on the cell phone crying over the one they are losing, to the look of terror and disbelief in the eyes of a first-timer, to my friend who drove me to chemo this week and looked at me in tears and said, “I don’t know how you come here each week”, no one can measure the pain of the hundreds who walk in those doors each week. Yet in the course of the few days of Easter Jesus accomplished what doctors and nurses for centuries have tried to mimic: He destroyed death. Meditate on that. Jesus destroyed death.

As I meditate on that sentence, my mind and heart can only barely begin to apprehend Jesus’ power. My heart further kneels in humility before Him and melts with gratefulness that He stayed on the cross to exercise His power for me. For without Him…without Easter the chemo room wins. Death wins. Despair wins. Hopelessness wins. But because of and in Him eternal life triumphs over eternal death. Joy obliterates despair. Faith overcomes hopelessness. And another glimpse of Him here and the hope of gazing at Him in eternity reminds me why Easter did and still does mean everything to me.

Update 3.25

Hi!!

Just sending a quick update. I had full chemo on March 8 but had to skip it again on March 15 because my counts were too low again. This week has been the scheduled non-chemo week. It's been nice to get out a time or two a day, though I admit I think I have pushed it a little too far and my body is letting me know it. I haven't left the house today to let my body recover a little.

I saw the genetic specialist on Monday. Unfortunately there is enough cancer on both sides of my family that there is a 10-20% chance there was a genetic cause to my ovarian cancer and a 10-20% chance there was a genetic cause to my uterine cancer. That means I have to get genetic tests for both. I had the blood taken Monday and will hear back in probably 3-4 weeks. A positive result on either would mean further testing for my family to see if they have the gene as well as bad news for me: such as an incredibly high, like 85% chance, of cancer for me again in my life time. We'd have to discuss significant preventative matters. Therefore, I'd really appreciate the prayers that both genetic tests (and any additional ones I may take after these come back) would be negative!!

This Monday, March 28, starts the 4th cycle of chemo. I'll have chemo the 28th and April 5th and then (hopefully!) be done with chemo.

As always, thanks SO much for the prayers. And may I say a special thanks to Annalise Dansby. She is two and a half years old and prays for me every night. Not only that but every time I see her she (unprompted by her parents) asks me how my body is feeling or tells me that she's praying for my body to feel better. I know she's not the only child praying for me so please (even though some of them can't read yet) let them know how much I appreciate it.

Love,
Kathy

Hannah's Faith

During chemo I often wake up between 10 and 11 and mornings are really hard for me. So when Joy told me that her daughter’s (Hannah) baptism was at 9am at their church (about 40 minutes from my house) I knew it was next to impossible that I could go, regardless of how much I wanted to. In “normal” life you just push through and do what you want to do but not in “chemo” life; there’s no “pushing through” the fatigue and pain.

Due to my sleeping habits of late, when I woke up at 7:30am on Sunday I was shocked. I ran to take a shower, half expecting my body to crash and force me back into bed. But it didn’t and I made it to Hannah’s baptism! (I of course left right after the baptism to come home and rest but at least I made it).

Upon arriving at the church, I immediately began looking for Hannah, who is 5 years old. Obviously I had gone to be there for her big day. Yet the first thing she said to me was “How are you feeling?” Also I wanted to get her something for her baptism so I gave a verse of Scripture to be translated in her honor. (I love giving to Bible translation and I often give to the Ning people on oneverse.org to help the Bible be translated in their language.) I wasn’t sure if she’d understand the gift and I was even more unsure if she’d like it. But I did it anyway. Joy helped explain to her that the gift I’d given in her honor was helping a child in Africa have God’s Word. Hannah’s response: she said it was the best gift anyone had ever given to her. I love it when kids get the simplicity and significance of God. And it might not surprise you to learn that Hannah’s middle name is Faith.

Update 3.14

Hi!

Thanks for your prayers this week! It has definitely been the best of the three weeks when I've gotten both the Carboplatin and Gemzar. It's still been miserable but slightly less than the other two times. I head back in tomorrow (Monday) for the just Gemzar treatment. For many the "just Gemzar" treatment isn't too bad but my body doesn't like the "just Gemzar" weeks either so I know it'll be another hard week.

Last Monday I did have an appointment with my doctor Kent and got some questions answered. I will not have to make up the treatment that I had to miss because my white blood counts were too low; needless to say, Kent is now my favorite person on the planet! I had a couple questions about symptoms I'm experiencing (hair gradually shedding, significant fatigue, and super-hungry on non-chemo weeks) which he said are totally normal; the fatigue could easily least 6+ months after treatment ends and people can easily gain weight on chemo because of the significant hunger on non-chemo weeks (every two hours I could eat an entire cow!). I asked if we could tell yet if the treatments are helping and he said that we'd only know that over the long-term. Meaning, the blood tests to measure my cancer, even at the time of surgery when we know I had cancer, were just on the high side of the normal range. After treatment I will just have to go back in periodically to see if the numbers increase; if they do, that's a sign the cancer is still there. Obviously we'll hope and pray they don't.

This week has been significantly frustrating for me mentally and emotionally...really wanting to feel ok and be able to get out of the house or have a normal conversation. Yet I am often too fatigued to have a normal conversation and getting out of the house is hard physically. Plus the nausea meds (which I need for the nausea) make me feel bad physically. I would really appreciate your prayers for me not just physically this week but mentally and emotionally, especially because my counts will be really low this week so I'll be on germ restriction as well. One praise...I was able to sneak into the church and make it to my friends' Maggie and Mark's wedding on Saturday! I'd had a rough time late Friday night and Saturday morning so didn't know if I'd get to go but ran up there for an hour and was thrilled to celebrate with them!

Thanks, thanks for all the support and prayers!

Love,
Kathy

Update 3.7

Hi!!

Thanks so much to all of you for the encouragement and prayers. Until now I have never been in a place in my life where I felt like my life literally depended on people's prayers so I value them more than you know.

Just wanted to send a quick update. It has been incredibly nice to have a two week break from chemo. And yet it has also been a reality check as to how long this recovery will really take. Even after a two week break I get incredibly tired very quickly and can only be out of the house a couple hours before I need to rest. I usually need to rest for twice the number of hours that I was out of the house. So even when chemo is done you all are not allowed to stop praying for a really long time! :)

I head into cycle 3 of chemo tomorrow (each cycle includes two Mondays of chemo and then a week off). That means I have wretched chemo tomorrow. Hopefully I'll need only 4 cycles so this is the halfway mark. I'll be meeting with Kent (my doctor) as well so I will get to ask questions about how things are looking and if I'll need a shot to help boost my white blood count. His pathology report from his surgery looked great! However, it is really, really important that the cancer not recur in the first year so we're definitely praying for that.

I must admit that my my exhaustion and pain still overwhelm me at times and I wonder when my body will ever feel normal again. This morning I kinda wanted to crawl into a hole but made myself go to church. Because of the pain and my white blood count I rarely get to go to church and more than anything I miss the corporate singing. So I figured I'd go for the singing and stay as long as my body would let me. Early this morning while looking at the week ahead I prayed, "God, I need a little something extra to make it." One of the songs we sang at church was based off of Isaiah 40:

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Thankfully He has all the extra I need.

Love,
Kathy

Thanks For Blessings Granted

8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

I love how our prayers bring God glory for a number of reasons. But today is a day it does so in the spirit of verse 11...that the many who have begged for mercy get to praise Him for blessings granted. My oncologist and friend Kent's pathology report came back with no sign of a viable tumor. Praise and thank You Living God for Your mercy!

Update 2.22

Hi!

Well...my blood counts were too low for chemo today. I did get some fluids to try to help with hydration and healing from the previous treatments. Obviously it's not good that I had to miss a treatment but I have to say I was THRILLED! I have and still do feel so badly that the thought of another chemo treatment today was almost unthinkable to me. So I have a two week break before another treatment, which means Jesus has 2 weeks to come back before more chemo. Obviously I am highly sensitive to infection since my counts are so low. The nurse said "no malls, no church, no kids" for me this week to avoid infection. Please pray for significant healing the next couple weeks. I have only gotten a brief report on Kent's surgery but as far as I know all went well.

Love,
Kathy

Update 2.21

Hi!

Wanted to send a quick reminder to ask for prayers for my chemo on Monday, February 22. Unfortunately the end of the week ended up being pretty rough for me and I'm heading in incredibly weak. I narrowly escaped a visit to the hospital Friday night for dehydration due to lots of issues with vomiting and haven't eaten a normal meal all week.

Also, please pray for Kent. He's having his surgery on Monday as well. Hopefully, if the surgery shows that the treatment has worked, this can be the last big hurdle in his treatment. Pray for successful, uncompleted surgery and a great report.

Thanks!

Love,
Kathy

Update 2.18

Hi!

I wanted to take a minute to update you on my week.

I did get chemo. My white counts were still not good and Kent said he'd probably lower the amount of Gemzar next week but went ahead with the full amount this week...much to my dismay since I asked and hoped for less! :) Thus I called my parents and they got on their flight (they weren't going to if I didn't have chemo. They would've waited until next week to come). The flight was so smooth that they were already at my house when I got home.

Kent also reminded me that the 2nd cycle is sometimes the easiest cycle because your body has had the chemo once and "knows what to do" but the cumulative effect of the multiple chemos that I'll experience in cycles 3 and 4 isn't here yet. I am relieved that this week has been some easier than the first time. I am still sensitive to light, sound, and taste but not quite as much as last time. I can watch TV some or have a small light on in the room and not have to be in the dark all the time! And even though I still feel really badly, I haven't had any of the "I feel like I'm gonna die" moments which were so terrible last time. Praise God! It's definitely not been fun but I'll take all the improvement I can get!

Thanks for all the prayers and support!

Love,
Kathy

Update 2.14

Hi!

I wanted to send a quick update as it's been a while since I've emailed.

This past week was a non-chemo week for me. Yipee! It was definitely a much more pleasant week than the previous two. I am still very tired and limited but could get out a couple times a day which was nice. I am grateful for a week off for some healing for my leg, abdomen, and port. All have improved though they all still hurt.

I head back for more carboplatin on Monday, assuming my counts are up. I have to admit that I approach Monday with far more dread than I did my first chemo. The first time I knew my body might tolerate it ok but this time I know that my body will not and have tasted how tough the next two weeks will be.

A few things that I'd love prayer for:
The chemo to kill all the cancer cells
Complete healing from the surgeries (I see the doctor on Monday to see how my body is healing)
Relief from the head neck, and back pain I've experienced the past 2.5 years (the past two days have been rough)
Minimal side effects from the chemo meds.
Endurance, faith, and strength for the weeks ahead

Thanks so much for all the prayers. They sustain me more than you know.

Love,
Kathy

Adding Some Pictures

Since everyone has fun pictures on their blog I decided I needed to join in... :)

Owen (my nephew) was recently the star of his Christmas program. After his class' performance, the class was supposed to stand quietly while another class joined Owen's class on stage. Even though his class stood quietly and the pianst was playing another song, Owen sang (by himself) his class' song again loudly enough to be heard in the whole sanctuary. Undaunted by the teachers trying to "shush" him, he sang the song with motions not once but twice.

Austin (Owen's cousin and my nephew) has recently started sleeping in his closet just for fun. When asked why by his mom he said, "Because it's comfortable in there." She looked in to see all the pillows and blankets he'd drug into the closet and admitted that it now does look comfortable.

This is Beth's (Austin's sister and my niece) excited face. She is never seen out of the house without a hair bow...and she prefers big hair bows to small ones!

A Reminder I Didn't Want But Needed

This morning (ok, it’s actually early afternoon but my body needs extra sleep so I just got up). Anyway, this early afternoon I am grateful for truth. At numerous moments in the past two months it has held up when nothing else has.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I sat across the lunch table from my friend Jennifer and told her I wanted someone from the persecuted church in China to walk through this with me. I knew the journey would be hard, the suffering would be seemingly unbearable at times, and I was afraid that without someone yelling truth into my ear I would fail.

My fear was magnified because I know that some of the ways we tend to handle suffering here in the US don’t work. We want to smile at someone and guarantee their healing and encourage them that their faithfulness to God has “earned” them some sort of pass. It’s because we just want to encourage them but it’s not true. Only God knows the end of my journey or anyone else’s and I guarantee you my faltering faithfulness hasn’t earned me anything. It only takes about two seconds of real suffering for that mode of handling suffering to fall apart. On the other side, there are also the times we hurt for someone so badly that we slip into a desperation that doesn’t help either. We act like there’s no hope in sight. But the cross and the resurrection are true so there’s never a place for total hopelessness. Our despair on their behalf doesn’t help them in their suffering either.

I needed this reminder because this morning I wanted answers from God that aren’t consistent with His Word and plan. I wanted things to happen and Him to promise things according to my desires instead of His. I asked Him questions and looked in His Word and found not what I want find but the truth instead. At the moment I am a little frustrated and irritated because I still want my way. But I am reminded that in the epicenter of suffering, anything less than 100% truth is useless at best and a temptation to doubt God at the worst. As much as I “want” my way, I hear the Chinese persecuted believer yelling in my ear. “Kathy, you’ll never make it if you cling to anything other than God and His Word. No US cultural Christianity platitudes or desires of your heart inconsistent with God’s keep you alive in the fire. Only Him. Only truth. That’s your only hope.” Spirit…thanks for the reminder. Please make me heart wrap around what my head knows is true. Thanks for your mercy.

Email 2/2/10

Hi!

I wanted to send a quick update on my visit to the doctor yesterday. The genetic counselor was sick so we had to postpone for a few weeks. Additionally, my white blood cell count was too low to receive the full amount of chemo meds I was supposed to receive yesterday. Therefore, I only got 1/2 the amount of meds I was slated to receive. My body is at risk of infection so I am to stay away from all crowds and sick folks. The steroids I receive with the chemo kept me up all night (until about 5am this time). I am feeling poorly but (as of yet) not as bad as last week.Praise God! I head back to chemo on February 15 to start my 2nd cycle of chemo (I have 4 cycles). That's when I'll have the carboplatin again (if Jesus hasn't returned!). I'm also praying that during next two weeks my body can make significant progress in healing from all the surgeries. My upper right leg still hurts when I move it (nerves had to be moved to get a lymph node and that can take several months to heal), my port still hurts, and my abdomen is still sore (on the 15th the doctor will check to see how everything is healing).

Also, Ashlee and Ally made a blog for me. As of yet I've only added the things I've typed in emails. As my stamina increases I'll hope to occasionally add to the blog. You can check it out at kathyharrelson.blogspot.com if you'd like.

Thanks for the prayers.

Love,
Kathy

Email 1/31/10

Hello!

Thankfully week 1 of chemo is done!! Unfortunately it was far, far, more miserable than I had anticipated it would be. Everyone responds differently and I definitely got a more painful card than I'd thought or hoped. The only good news is that I was able to drink enough that I never became dehydrated and needed IV fluids. I haven't left the house since Monday when I went to chemo. Lights, sounds, tastes, and smells are hyper-sensitive to me. My most frequent position is on my back in the dark as lights from the TV and computer screen are usually too much stimulus for me. Until Friday I did not sit up for 60 consecutive minutes (due to nausea). I eat a little and only bland food. My tastes have changed a little; water no longer tastes like water to me which is super weird. Any slight smell is super-potent to me so we have removed all smelly things from the home. Funny story...when my parents were putting all the flowers outside (because they smell) my dad even put some artificial flowers outside too; my mom assured him they were ok.

Much to my dismay, I head back tomorrow (Monday) for more chemo. Just a reminder on what the 4 21-day cycles of chemo look like.
Day 1: chemo with two drugs: Carboplatin and Gemcitabine. Carboplatin is the one know for being really hard on you.
Day 8: chemo with one drug: Gemcitabine. I'm praying this one alone will not be so wretched!!
Day 22: the cycle starts again assuming my blood counts are up (which they will check each time)

A few things to prayer for:
Much less side effects from just the Gemcitabine.
Ability to manage some of the side effects better (maybe with some additional meds) and to be able to get out at least once/day (for help preventing muscle atrophy and keeping some emotional sanity)
I see the genetic oncologist tomorrow morning. I'm mainly seeing the doctor so my family can know their risks so pray for wisdom for the doc and wisdom for my female family members as they make decisions.
That Jesus will come back before Day 22 when I have to have Carboplatin again! It doesn't hurt to ask. :)
Grace, faith, and strength to persevere.

I would love to share with you some super-encouraging spiritual message but I don't have one today. The main verse I have thought about this week is Matthew 6:34. I sometimes found myself wondering "how in the world am I going to endure this chemo multiple times." That's when Matthews 6:34 came to mind..."Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." It helped me not think ahead quick as much and just focus on the day at hand.

Thanks for praying!

Love,
Kathy

PS Since my report this week is so discouraging here were the bright points of the week.
My nephew Owen's (who is almost 3) preschool class in South Carolina all put their handprints on a bag and sent it to me. They all each drew me a picture and had their teacher record their answers to the question "What makes me feel good when I am sick?"
When skyping with my nephew Austin (who is 3) and niece Beth (who is 17 months) on Friday afternoon, Austin (unprompted by parents) said "I love you Aunt Kathy" and Beth called me by name for the first time ("Kak Kak").

Email 1/26/10

Hi!!

Monday was Day 1 of chemo for me. My chemo buddy, Molly, and I spent 6 hours at the office and thankfully I had no immediate allergic reactions to the meds. However, about 6:00 tonight, as expected, I began to feel like I'd been run over by a truck. I had been informed that I would likely feel this way for at least the first 5 days. Well, I don't think they said "run over by a truck"; they were much more polished in their description but I knew that they meant. :) I go back for another treatment next Monday which is supposed to be less difficult.

Several things I'd love to ask prayer for:
My friend and doctor, Kent, is entering the toughest time of his cancer treatment so I'd love you to pray for him and his family (Traci, Marilyn, and Grayson).
The female members on both sides of my family are trying to make appropriate medical decisions. Uterine cancer is on one side of my family and ovarian on the other. I will be seeing a genetic specialist and getting genetic testing so hopefully they can determine what they need to do in the coming years.
Sleep. I have had a rough time sleeping at night the past month and tonight is no different. It is 2:30am as I type! :)
That I would have no complications or "extra" symptoms from the treatment and would be feeling great by the time of my sweet friend Leigh Anne's wedding this Saturday.
Grace and faith to continue to persevere.

One of the big questions I know people wonder about with chemo is hair so just a brief update on that. I had been told that I would not lose my hair but that it would just thin with this specific treatment. However, the nurse today as she was putting in my IV began telling me that I would need a wig and explaining where I could get one since I would lose most or all my hair. Clearly this was a little shocking and different than what I expected. As I looked into the contrasting info (and of course we never know for sure), I think that it will just thin but I have no idea what color the new hair will come in (likely gray). So I am expecting thinning and multi-colored hair. I cannot do any chemical hair treatment until months after chemo is completed or I would immediately lose all of my hair. So ladies, I will gladly accept cute scarves and big headbands as they will become a significant part of my wardrobe the next 6-12 months!

Thanks for all the prayers and support and messages. I get way more than physically I have the stamina to answer but treasure and am encouraged by every single one.

Love,
Kathy


P.S. During my "extended day" (because I can't sleep) I journaled for the first time since my diagnosis. I decided to share it if you're interested...and if you promise to keep praying for me (see how I snuck that in!) :)


It's 1:37am the night after my first chemo treatment. I have been trying to sleep for hours and can't, even though the chemo drugs have "hit" me and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. So instead of tossing in my bed irritated that I can't sleep I am choosing to type some of the thoughts rolling through my head and heart.

Though I've been sick for over 4 years with various issues, no one at any point guessed or even wondered if I had cancer. In fact multiple doctors thought there was "no way" I could have it until the surgery and pathology report on December 23 said otherwise. There were three surgeries in three weeks (including a full hysterectomy which is a major deal), a trip to the ER, an infection, multiple bad responses to meds, an incredibly bruised and painful port which was the "talk" of the chemo room today because it was so bruised...just to name a few things that have kicked off 2010 as not my favorite year of my life.

I decided that whenever I talked about my cancer I wanted to do so in a genuine, honest way that reflects what I really feel and think. I didn't want to play the despairing victim because I don't feel that way. Nor do I want to communicate that I like this. I don't. I have and will experience very real and intense physical and emotional pain. And if given the choice I would walk away from it. However, since God chooses better than I there are 11 things I have clung to that have made this experience bearable and in certain brief, sweet moments worshipful. In no particular order, due to my early morning stream of consciousness, here they are...

(1) There is nothing that has happened in the past month that makes me doubt anything about God or His Word. I have very much not liked this experience but I see now more clearly than ever that the Bible is 100% true. It tells of a world where you and I live where there is pain and suffering of every kind. It tells of world so impacted by the sin that entered it in Genesis 3 that the earth groans to be released from the oppression. It tells of a world where both Christians and non-Christians suffer; it tells of a place where Christians don't get the "easy" card and get to take a "pass" on cancer. Nothing I've experienced the past month contradicts His Word.
(2) The fact that God was 100% on target in His description of this world means that He is 100% on target in His explanation of the next. In heaven there will be no pain or sorrow or disease or disappointment or chemo rooms. Yipee!!
(3) Rather than distancing Himself from suffering, God entered in and engaged in it...giving His only Son to be tortured and killed in a most unjust and horrific way. He does not stand aloof and gaze at my suffering as One who is imagining what it is like. Jesus knows. Jesus choose it. And His choice to suffer, die, and be raised again is the only way I'll ever get to experience a place with no suffering. How blessed am I.
(4) Every nurse and doctor at Texas Oncology, whether they are a Christian or not, are a veiled glimpse of Jesus to me. They enter into an intense season of suffering in my life to give of themselves for me. They compassionately and kindly answer questions, explain info again to new eyes and families bearing the weight of cancer, smile, reek of mercy, and do everything in their power to heal. I cannot for a minute think that Jesus is not present in that place.
(5) There is no fear in death for me. I don't know whether I will be a cancer survivor or not. But I know that, should Jesus not return in my lifetime, that I will die. And because of Jesus' death and resurrection and the faith God gave me to believe in that, heaven is mine. Death has been swallowed up in the victory of Jesus Christ who gives eternal life to those who believe.
(6) God chose to give me cancer because He loves me. Romans 8:28-29 tell me so. I don't understand all that means and it doesn't stop all the hurt in my heart but I know it's true.
(7) God chose to bring trials into my life in previous years to prepare me for this one. The multiple surgeries and challenging experiences in the past were not accidents God passively allowed but things designed and given by Him to give me the endurance I need for this one and perhaps ones to come. James 1:2-4. I have not always counted it joy but am grateful for the endurance.
(8) God's grace is sufficient in my significant weakness. I have nothing to offer but weakness and according to Him, that's ok. 2 Corinthians 9:9-14.
(9) God's sovereign provision of meeting a sweet friend, Traci, as we prepared for a mission trip to Lativa last summer. Little did either of us know the friends we would become or the path we would walk together that neither of us would have chosen. Her husband, Kent, was diagnosed with cancer less than a month before I and I got to cry with her. Then when my diagnosis came she was there to cry with me and so much more. Her husband just "happens" to be the best gynecological oncologist in the area and perhaps the state and country. No only has he treated me during his cancer but today Traci showed up in the chemo room with lunch for Molly (another unspeakably great gift of God to me). And as I arrived home from my first day of chemo was met at the door with the most beautiful flower arrangement ever given to me. Guess who it was from? Kent and Traci. We didn't know each other a year ago and we now share sufferings, experiences, and hope that will link us for a lifetime.
(10) Dad, Mom, Cindy, Robert, Michael, Erin, Austin, Owen, and Beth. Not everyone is given a biological family as great as mine and that fact does not escape me.
(11) My biological and spiritual family who have cooked, driven, sent flowers and gifts, mailed cards, written a Scripture verse, taken over my responsibilities, cleaned, texted, emailed, called, encouraged, smiled, cried, and hugged. And most importantly to me, in those moments of my most significant weakness when I didn't think I could bear one more thing, took a burden that was about to suffocate me and carried it to Jesus for me in prayer. Very few things have brought me to tears during this journey but this one does. If/when I make it through this season, I gladly give 100% of the credit to Jesus and them. None of it is mine.

Jesus, I wouldn't have chosen this and I know I'm so weak that I would give it back if you gave me the choice. But you are wise enough to know that about me so you didn't give me the option. I continue to ask for the grace and strength to journey through what you have chosen is best for me.You gave me Yourself when I didn't even know who You were; I know there's no way You're turning Your back now. My heart is broken and full at the same time. I give both the brokenness and fullness as an offering of praise to You. Soli Deo Gloria.

Email 1/5/10

Hi!

Wow, I'm not often at a loss for words but I am trying to find the right ones at the moment. The past 5 days have been incredibly rough on my body. From surgery to infection to bad side effects from medication, it's a week I'm more than ready to put in the books. The results of the pathology report came back and it was a mixed bag. Good news: uterine cancer contained. Good news: The uterine cancer and having a hysterectomy was God's way of pointing out that I have ovarian cancer that they never would have found in time enough to treat otherwise. Bad news: The specific cancer cells involved in the ovarian cancer are particularly bad so even though it was caught early chemotherapy will be required. It will occur over a period of months and has an incredibly good success rate.

Admittedly this is not exactly the news I'd wanted to hear. Nor is it the worst news I could have heard. My trials of the last 4 years of illness and especially the past month have certainly not been fun but if anything they have confirmed my belief in the Scriptures and the God Who authored them. Not one thing that has happened to me falls outside the parameters of what He said... sin brought with it great brokenness, Christians are not immune to pain, and a Savior came and died my death and rose from the grave to give me eternal life. I still wouldn't trade Jesus for anything.

Thanks for praying for and loving me. Though I have been too sick to respond to most of the texts and emails, they encourage me more than you know. Please keep praying. Though I am assured of Christ's presence the next few months, I am not promised ease and I want more than anything in the world to stand before Him faithful on the final day. Your prayers are a key part of that fueling that quest for me. And please keep praying for my doctor and friend Kent as he battles his cancer too. Thanks.

Love,
Kathy

Email 12/28/09

Hi!

I know that some of you have been keeping up with my health issues and for some of you this email will be the first you've heard. I'm sorry for the mass and impersonal notification, but I am desperate enough for prayer that I'm willing to use email. Last week unexpectedly I was diagnosed with cancer. I met this morning with a gynecological oncologist and got the notification of the full pathology report. Sadly it is not the "good" kind of cancer as we had thought. It is a very abnormal type of cancer that falls into the 5% category. It is part sarcoma and part carcinoma and has intruded into the muscle of the uterus. This cancer is more aggressive than the "good" kind we thought I had and hard to "guess" how it will act. There is no way of knowing at this point what stage the cancer is or if it has spread. That cannot be known until the next surgery and full pathology report of that surgery is received. The likelihood still is that a full hysterectomy will be sufficient to treat it but again that is unknown until the full pathology report is received. I will have the surgery (about a 3-hour procedure) this Thursday afternoon at Baylor All Saints. The surgery can be done laproscopically which will help the recovery and length of hospital stay. Recovery usually is a month with a hospital stay of only one night.

I'd like to ask you to pray for several things...

Complete healing and that the surgical treatment will be the only treatment necessary
Quick recovery. I do not get along with anesthesia or recover well from surgery on top of the fact that a hysterectomy can cause your body to respond crazily. I am still really tired and in some pain after last week's procedure. I am more concerned because I have been feeling so poorly for so long and I am far from 100%. Pray also that my head, neck, and back pain are not exacerbated by the surgery.
For my doctor, Kent. He and his wife are personal friends of mine and he is battling a cancer worse than mine. Today we made a deal that I would have all my friends pray for him and that he would have all his friends pray for me! I figure the more prayer for both of us the better.
For my faith to remain strong. I have already seen God's mercy in so many things...not allowing me to buy the house I bid on, my good friend Molly who is a cancer nurse and can explain things to me, meeting and developing a friendship with Traci last summer when she just "happens" to be married to the best gynecological oncologist in Fort Worth. Also, as I have had many surgeries in my life I have a "practice" of meditating on a verse of Scripture when in the pre-op. The one that came to mind last Wednesday in pre-op was a verse from Isaiah..."Do not fear for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." I have no idea the length or turns of this journey but I know the One whose I am.
Thanks for your calls, prayers, emails, and texts. I have been unable to respond to many of them as I've felt so poorly but know they are a great encouragement and blessing to me. I did make a very abbreviated trip to SC for Christmas. Again, thanks so much for praying.

Love,
Kathy