Email 1/26/10

Hi!!

Monday was Day 1 of chemo for me. My chemo buddy, Molly, and I spent 6 hours at the office and thankfully I had no immediate allergic reactions to the meds. However, about 6:00 tonight, as expected, I began to feel like I'd been run over by a truck. I had been informed that I would likely feel this way for at least the first 5 days. Well, I don't think they said "run over by a truck"; they were much more polished in their description but I knew that they meant. :) I go back for another treatment next Monday which is supposed to be less difficult.

Several things I'd love to ask prayer for:
My friend and doctor, Kent, is entering the toughest time of his cancer treatment so I'd love you to pray for him and his family (Traci, Marilyn, and Grayson).
The female members on both sides of my family are trying to make appropriate medical decisions. Uterine cancer is on one side of my family and ovarian on the other. I will be seeing a genetic specialist and getting genetic testing so hopefully they can determine what they need to do in the coming years.
Sleep. I have had a rough time sleeping at night the past month and tonight is no different. It is 2:30am as I type! :)
That I would have no complications or "extra" symptoms from the treatment and would be feeling great by the time of my sweet friend Leigh Anne's wedding this Saturday.
Grace and faith to continue to persevere.

One of the big questions I know people wonder about with chemo is hair so just a brief update on that. I had been told that I would not lose my hair but that it would just thin with this specific treatment. However, the nurse today as she was putting in my IV began telling me that I would need a wig and explaining where I could get one since I would lose most or all my hair. Clearly this was a little shocking and different than what I expected. As I looked into the contrasting info (and of course we never know for sure), I think that it will just thin but I have no idea what color the new hair will come in (likely gray). So I am expecting thinning and multi-colored hair. I cannot do any chemical hair treatment until months after chemo is completed or I would immediately lose all of my hair. So ladies, I will gladly accept cute scarves and big headbands as they will become a significant part of my wardrobe the next 6-12 months!

Thanks for all the prayers and support and messages. I get way more than physically I have the stamina to answer but treasure and am encouraged by every single one.

Love,
Kathy


P.S. During my "extended day" (because I can't sleep) I journaled for the first time since my diagnosis. I decided to share it if you're interested...and if you promise to keep praying for me (see how I snuck that in!) :)


It's 1:37am the night after my first chemo treatment. I have been trying to sleep for hours and can't, even though the chemo drugs have "hit" me and I feel like I've been run over by a truck. So instead of tossing in my bed irritated that I can't sleep I am choosing to type some of the thoughts rolling through my head and heart.

Though I've been sick for over 4 years with various issues, no one at any point guessed or even wondered if I had cancer. In fact multiple doctors thought there was "no way" I could have it until the surgery and pathology report on December 23 said otherwise. There were three surgeries in three weeks (including a full hysterectomy which is a major deal), a trip to the ER, an infection, multiple bad responses to meds, an incredibly bruised and painful port which was the "talk" of the chemo room today because it was so bruised...just to name a few things that have kicked off 2010 as not my favorite year of my life.

I decided that whenever I talked about my cancer I wanted to do so in a genuine, honest way that reflects what I really feel and think. I didn't want to play the despairing victim because I don't feel that way. Nor do I want to communicate that I like this. I don't. I have and will experience very real and intense physical and emotional pain. And if given the choice I would walk away from it. However, since God chooses better than I there are 11 things I have clung to that have made this experience bearable and in certain brief, sweet moments worshipful. In no particular order, due to my early morning stream of consciousness, here they are...

(1) There is nothing that has happened in the past month that makes me doubt anything about God or His Word. I have very much not liked this experience but I see now more clearly than ever that the Bible is 100% true. It tells of a world where you and I live where there is pain and suffering of every kind. It tells of world so impacted by the sin that entered it in Genesis 3 that the earth groans to be released from the oppression. It tells of a world where both Christians and non-Christians suffer; it tells of a place where Christians don't get the "easy" card and get to take a "pass" on cancer. Nothing I've experienced the past month contradicts His Word.
(2) The fact that God was 100% on target in His description of this world means that He is 100% on target in His explanation of the next. In heaven there will be no pain or sorrow or disease or disappointment or chemo rooms. Yipee!!
(3) Rather than distancing Himself from suffering, God entered in and engaged in it...giving His only Son to be tortured and killed in a most unjust and horrific way. He does not stand aloof and gaze at my suffering as One who is imagining what it is like. Jesus knows. Jesus choose it. And His choice to suffer, die, and be raised again is the only way I'll ever get to experience a place with no suffering. How blessed am I.
(4) Every nurse and doctor at Texas Oncology, whether they are a Christian or not, are a veiled glimpse of Jesus to me. They enter into an intense season of suffering in my life to give of themselves for me. They compassionately and kindly answer questions, explain info again to new eyes and families bearing the weight of cancer, smile, reek of mercy, and do everything in their power to heal. I cannot for a minute think that Jesus is not present in that place.
(5) There is no fear in death for me. I don't know whether I will be a cancer survivor or not. But I know that, should Jesus not return in my lifetime, that I will die. And because of Jesus' death and resurrection and the faith God gave me to believe in that, heaven is mine. Death has been swallowed up in the victory of Jesus Christ who gives eternal life to those who believe.
(6) God chose to give me cancer because He loves me. Romans 8:28-29 tell me so. I don't understand all that means and it doesn't stop all the hurt in my heart but I know it's true.
(7) God chose to bring trials into my life in previous years to prepare me for this one. The multiple surgeries and challenging experiences in the past were not accidents God passively allowed but things designed and given by Him to give me the endurance I need for this one and perhaps ones to come. James 1:2-4. I have not always counted it joy but am grateful for the endurance.
(8) God's grace is sufficient in my significant weakness. I have nothing to offer but weakness and according to Him, that's ok. 2 Corinthians 9:9-14.
(9) God's sovereign provision of meeting a sweet friend, Traci, as we prepared for a mission trip to Lativa last summer. Little did either of us know the friends we would become or the path we would walk together that neither of us would have chosen. Her husband, Kent, was diagnosed with cancer less than a month before I and I got to cry with her. Then when my diagnosis came she was there to cry with me and so much more. Her husband just "happens" to be the best gynecological oncologist in the area and perhaps the state and country. No only has he treated me during his cancer but today Traci showed up in the chemo room with lunch for Molly (another unspeakably great gift of God to me). And as I arrived home from my first day of chemo was met at the door with the most beautiful flower arrangement ever given to me. Guess who it was from? Kent and Traci. We didn't know each other a year ago and we now share sufferings, experiences, and hope that will link us for a lifetime.
(10) Dad, Mom, Cindy, Robert, Michael, Erin, Austin, Owen, and Beth. Not everyone is given a biological family as great as mine and that fact does not escape me.
(11) My biological and spiritual family who have cooked, driven, sent flowers and gifts, mailed cards, written a Scripture verse, taken over my responsibilities, cleaned, texted, emailed, called, encouraged, smiled, cried, and hugged. And most importantly to me, in those moments of my most significant weakness when I didn't think I could bear one more thing, took a burden that was about to suffocate me and carried it to Jesus for me in prayer. Very few things have brought me to tears during this journey but this one does. If/when I make it through this season, I gladly give 100% of the credit to Jesus and them. None of it is mine.

Jesus, I wouldn't have chosen this and I know I'm so weak that I would give it back if you gave me the choice. But you are wise enough to know that about me so you didn't give me the option. I continue to ask for the grace and strength to journey through what you have chosen is best for me.You gave me Yourself when I didn't even know who You were; I know there's no way You're turning Your back now. My heart is broken and full at the same time. I give both the brokenness and fullness as an offering of praise to You. Soli Deo Gloria.